Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
this will be a night to untag.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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