I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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