I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
