according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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