I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
