Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
