Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
