Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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