How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
