I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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