Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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