I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
