shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
