I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize