Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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