Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My balls are so social today.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
