as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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