This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Will exercising make me less horny?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
