clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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