I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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