I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
