Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
