Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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