Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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