I'm eating all of the evidence.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
