party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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