I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
