I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
