the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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