Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
