She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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