My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
