Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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