why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
