a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
