I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
