Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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