I accidentally had phone sex last night
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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