just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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