First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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