is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
someone threw a dead crab at me
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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