I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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