Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
