you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
