i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
