Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
