I faked an abortion last night.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
