I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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