Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
