I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
