Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
