Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
It's never too late to be topless.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
