Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
