Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
