I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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