Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
